It's been in the news, all over the place. It's been on my G+ wall, on my Facebook wall. I've had the conversations with people. I experienced it firsthand, in leaving the country. But, it's the most denied truth on the planet, I believe. I'm talking about America being a nation of fearmongers, cowards, homebodies. Why is it that the country that proclaims itself to be the greatest in the world, and certainly has the potential to be the greatest in the world, is so far behind in the grand scheme of things. Could it be that our history has just wrapped up recently, at least in comparison to those of our European and Asian counterparts? Or is it just that we've been too full of ourselves, after taking on some of the strongest militaries in the world, and defeating them, becoming the strongest, most influential nation along the way? I want to look at a few places where the United States of America pales in comparison to other countries. My intent in this narrative is not to degrade the United States, but to question why we are fearful of things we needn't be.
Let me start by stating that I have a big problem with the way our country caters to minorities. I'm not saying that I dislike, or disapprove, of those in the minorities. I don't. On the contrary, I simply wish we'd stop referring to them as such. I loathe the term. Yes, there are more straight, Caucasian, males who associate themselves with the Christian faith than any other demographic in the States, but who cares? We pride ourselves on being the greatest, the melting pot, the hope for all. Why then, do we care what race, ethnicity, gender, or orientation a person is? If they are being a benefit to society, we should embrace them.
I was raised in a Baptist church, believing what I read in the Bible, and what was preached to me in church. Not to say that I disbelieve what I was taught, but I think that some of what the church teaches is outdated. I believe that what should be emphasized is God's will that we accept each person as they are, love them for the beings that they are, and allow them to be judged in the end. We are not to cast stones, so whatever ideals we hold should be dismissed when considering other people.
Let's start with the LGBT community. Again, I'm not fond of this term, "community", but it seems to be the most accepted term to use, so I'll play along. In my opinion, this can be broken down into a few categories, the lesbian/gay, the bisexual, and the transgrender. I don't think that these are all the same, and they each rub the population differently. I think that the general population has had more time to come to terms with their individual opinions of homosexuals, and they either approve, or they don't. Not that it's an individual's right to approve or disapprove. I'm 6'4". Does it matter if you approve of my height? It's not going to change anything if you wish me to be a more "normal" 5'10". Same here. I recently heard a researcher on the radio explaining what they've discovered in DNA testing, and it really struck home to me. It didn't sway my opinion on how people differ, but it solidified my current stance. Basically, what he was explaining was that the human DNA is so complex, and has so many moving parts that it's really miraculous that we come together the way we do (my words, not his). He mentioned that the parts of our DNA that determine gender are not connected, directly, to the parts of our DNA which determine sexual preference. That's really what the bottom line is all about, isn't it? And, to top it off, neither of those strains are directly connected to the parts of our DNA which develop out genitalia. Guess what this means. It's pretty simple, actually. Male DNA means that you're going to identify as a male. If you get the atoms, chromosomes, genes that make you attracted to males, and you happen to have the male DNA, you're going to be labeled as gay. But, what happens if you end up with the strains that give you female body parts instead of the stuff that makes you attracted to males? Now, you're essentially a homosexual male, trapped in a female's body. It's kind of confusing, and I'm not a scientist, so I won't try. My point is this, since society feels the need to label people, this person, who is naturally attracted to guys, is still going to be confused. Something isn't going to feel right, when they're growing up, being told that he's a little girl, and it's normal for her to like boys.
The big news recently is that the President has declared that all public schools are required to allow children who identify as transgender to use whichever restroom they feel more comfortable in. Parents are up in arms about this. I'm a parent, and I'm not sure what I feel about this. On the one hand, it's only fair to the children to be able to be who they are. On the other hand, because of how our society is, this is going to be strange for the other children who have to use a certain restroom. What I mean by this is exactly what the public outcry suggests. My daughter is not used to seeing boys in her bathroom. Not at school, not in public. When she sees a person who is genetically a boy come into her bathroom at school, because she's on a boy by the body parts she was born with, my daughter will feel strange. I feel for her in that case. But, I know that if she's open minded, and understanding about this person, especially if she decides to sit down and befriend this person, and have conversations about what's going on, she'll totally get it. She'll learn the tolerance that we all wish we all had. This isn't the worst outcome. Where does our fear come into play here? I've seen a few videos where people, fathers namely, go into a school, and try to explain that boy means boy, and girl means girl. I understand this point of view, that's how society has operated for three centuries on this continent. But, consider this. These "boys" that you see going into the girls restrooms at school, or changing in the girls' locker room, don't think of themselves as boys. They believe that they are girls, because that's what their DNA tells them they are. Guess what, parents, these transgender kids that will be sharing restrooms with your children were more likely to sexually abuse the children in their original bathroom than they are in the bathrooms that they identify with. These "boys" in the girls restrooms aren't there to chase girls. They're there for their own safety and protection. Get off your high horses, and accept people for who they are, what they bring to society, and leave your personal judgments out of it.
I recently traveled overseas, and my eyes were open to some stuff I've never considered before. There are all sorts of people cohabiting. You can look at the people on any given street, and you can't tell if someone is straight, gay, bi-sexual, transgender, Christian, Jewish, Atheist, Agnostic, or whatever. And you know what? Nobody seems to care. They smoke in public. That's the one thing that I applaud the United States for, that we've figured out ahead of these other countries. In my time in Europe, I visited a public swimming pool, or Bathhouse, as they called it. We checked in, and proceeded to the locker room. Yes, locker room, singular. It was different for me. There were changing stalls that locked from the inside, but when you emerged from the other side, it was a crapshoot as to who you could run into first - man, woman, child... We all used the same facility. The bathrooms were separate, but there was a family restroom as well. The bathrooms had doors to the general area, where the showers were. Guess what else. The showers weren't gender specific. You grabbed the first open shower, and did your business. In my time there, I witnessed no discomfort among the locals, nobody was worried about someone else coming in contact with them, nobody was worried about being abused, molested, or harassed, and there was no body shaming. People just were. It was an eye-opening experience.
I think the bottom line is that here in America, despite our bravado and unity, we fear evil. We've seen it, but we provide outs for it. We see everything in black and white, but in the same vein, we've decided that most things aren't, so we preach tolerance, but we don't teach the understanding of any of it. In other words, accept your fellow American, but don't offend them - and, we're not going to educate you as to why you see them differently, we're just going to tell you that they are. By telling us that there's a disparity between men and women, between Caucasians, African Americans, Latinos, and Asians, between heterosexuals, homosexuals, and transsexuals, we're being bred to spot the differences, and to keep lines of divisions up between the demographics. It's pathetic. I'm all for equal rights, but people play the minority card, and we're to respect that. Why don't we just respect our fellow man, and call it good?
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Sunday, March 20, 2016
What if I wasn't there?
This is an open letter to the adults in the first divorce I experienced in my life. I was under the impression that living through this divorce would help me in one way once I became an adult, but it influenced my life in ways I never imagined. What did I know? I was ten.
To my mother, who was there for me, thank you. I appreciate everything you did for me and my siblings as we grew up. You were our provider, our protector, our teacher, our parent. You took on a lot of responsibility, and I fully understand why you did what you did.That said, I have some questions. Why? Why did we become completely disconnected from our only extended family? Why did we have to give up half of our life because our parents were fighting? Why did we have to miss out on so much? Why did I have to grow up without having cousins? Why did I not have any aunts or uncles? Why did it have to be just us? I'm not mad at you, I understand that you were scared. I was scared, too. I saw everything that went down (I think, and if not, I'm happy I didn't). I saw my father beating you up, using unnecessary, excessive force. You didn't deserve that. No matter what the argument was, you didn't deserve that. But, did we deserve to be ripped from our family? I never got an explanation. I pretended that they didn't exist. At least outside my mind. I knew who they were. I remembered my grandparents. I had great memories of them, mostly. I do remember them taking a strange stance that last night we were there. I was a kid, I didn't need details. I still don't. It doesn't matter anymore. But, I grew up with a hole in my life. I adjusted. I learned how to deal with being different, not having what everyone else in school had. No, I'm not talking about a father. I imagine I wasn't the only kid in my class with a "broken" family. I disowned my father. I couldn't forget what he'd done to you. But, I lost my best friends. We moved a lot. We lived with my grandparents for a while, and we developed a bond with our cousins. I missed them. That hurt. It stung. It left a gaping hole in my life, in my heart. I didn't know to ask the questions when I was a kid. I thought that something happened, and they didn't want us anymore. But, I doubt that now. There was something else in play. I had aunts, and an uncle. I knew them. I have vague recollections of them. I know something happened between you and at least one of them. That's between you. That has nothing to do with me. I understand if you didn't trust them to be alone with us because of that. But, there were options. We could have known them. I'm not saying it's all your fault, I don't know. It's not my business to know. You did what you felt was best, and as much as I appreciate what you did for us, what you sacrificed for our sake, how hard you worked to provide for us, I hope you realize that we all made a sacrifice of some amount.
To my father. I can't call you dad. You're not my dad. You are my father, I can't deny you that. But, a dad is someone who is there for their kids. I know, because I strive to be that kind of man. It's not an easy thing to do all the time. It's hard to connect with your kid when they're growing up. Kids have a tendency to pull away from their parents, to become withdrawn and secretive. Kids can be difficult, complicated, and downright frustrating. Thanks for throwing away the opportunity to experience that. You're a jerk. What you did to mom is absolutely despicable. I grew up learning that forgiveness is the best way to be happy, so I am inclined to forgive you for your actions. I can't forget. Yes, I disowned you. I was asked numerous times growing up, "Where's your dad?". I wish I was ashamed to say that I told them that I didn't have one. See, here's the thing. There are ways to deal with frustration. Hitting someone is not acceptable. The only time it's OK to fight, is if you have to. I saw what happened. I'm not the only one who did. I cannot unsee that. Let me say that one more time for you. Just to make this perfectly clear. I cannot unsee what you did to my mother. It is totally unacceptable for a grown man to beat a woman. And, to use weapons? You were in the service. You should know better than that. Imagine you saw your father going after your mother, and you were just out of the service. What would you have done? Somehow, I doubt you would have joined your father, and hurt your mother. I also doubt you would have stood by idly, and let it happen. Why is it OK for you to do to my mother what you did. At that very moment, you lost the right to be my dad. I've heard that you're sick. You have some mental disorder somewhere along the line that caused you to lash out. I don't care. I know that sounds harsh, but it's not an excuse for what you did. I'm not mad anymore, but I'm not coming crawling back, hoping that you'll be in my life. I gave you that second chance. You didn't deserve it, but I'm a forgiving man, and I have a hard time holding a grudge. You had the opportunity to be a grandfather. Guess what? You were selfish, and you couldn't be honest with me, and you blew that, too. I don't feel sorry for you. It was this very concept that got me thinking enough to write this letter. A person can only trust another to the proportion that they feel that they can be trusted by that other person. By this, I mean that if I'm 100% trustworthy to you, by an unbiased observer, and you feel that you're only 50% trustworthy to me, you're going to assume that I'm only 50% trustworthy. Here's the thing. I never did a single thing to you to deserve anything less than a clean slate in terms or trustworthiness. You owed me full trust. However, you didn't seem to feel that you could be honest with me. I wonder why that is. Probably because you knew that I couldn't trust you fully. Well, that's in the past, and you have to live with those consequences.
To grandma, my mother's mom, I thank you for having been there for us. You've since passed, and I regret missing so many years with you. I hated not being able to see you, not having you see my daughter growing up, and not sharing adult moments with you. You were witty, and kind, and it was hard for me to see this growing up because you were the second parent. Our relationship was all wrong. It shouldn't have been like it was. That's not to say it was bad, it wasn't. I loved you, and I respected you. You wouldn't have allowed it any other way. But, you weren't allowed to be my grandma. You had to be our other parent, when mom wasn't there, and you couldn't just turn that off. It wasn't fair to anyone. Not to me, not to my siblings, not to you, not to mom. You were a fountain of knowledge, and my sister had the opportunity to bond with you like none of the rest of us did. She didn't appreciate it at the time, and we were grateful it was her, not us. But, in hindsight, she got an opportunity that we didn't. I have memories of you from before you had to be our parent. One in particular that always makes me smile. I must have been about 5 years old, and I came to visit you. You brought me to the store, not a toy store, just a department store, and told me to pick out any toy I wanted. Anything at all, and it was mine. Just like a grandmother would their grandson. I was your first grandchild, and you were willing to spoil me. I still remember finding a wind up motorcyclist, and being so happy to bring it home with me. Those are the kinds of moments I missed out on because you had to be our parent. It wasn't about the stuff. It never was with you. You weren't materialistic, you were simply practical and thankful. And, I am eternally grateful for the sacrifice you made for the betterment of your grandchildren.
To my other grandparents, my father's parents, I don't really know what to say to you. I missed you growing up. I had fond memories of your house. Taking a community bath in your tub, waking up early on Saturday mornings and watching Winnie the Pooh or the Mickey Mouse Club on your black and white console TV, grandpa growing sunflowers in the back yard, going out as a family, picking a Christmas tree, cutting it down, and bringing it home, going to the diner with grandpa for breakfast, hearing that train come blasting by the house at all hours. I grew up without my grandparents. I know that you didn't hold anything against us kids, but I don't remember you having a presence after we left. I wish I knew more, but I don't. I was a kid, and I'm not anymore, so the details don't matter. I always loved you, I just wish it didn't seem so obvious that you sided with my father, rather than us kids. I don't know who's fault it was, and I'm not here to point fingers. I'm inclined to believe that things could have played out differently. I think there must have been some way for us to know you growing up, without my parents having to come into contact with each other. We were great kids, most of the time. We weren't without flaws, but we were worth the trouble of working it out with people we don't agree with. Anyway, as I've told my parents, it's in the past, and I hold no grudges.
To my aunts, my father's sisters, I wish that things could have been different. Things got strained between you and my mother, at least to some extent. I don't expect any of you to have remained close with her, she was married to your brother, and that was the extent of the relationship as far as I'm concerned. Anything beyond that, I don't know, I don't care. It has nothing to do with me. However, you had children at the time of the divorce, or have had children since then. I've touched on how I missed my cousins. I knew two of them. I remembered them fondly. I've got four more since that time. I would have loved to known them growing up. I don't think it was too much to ask for us kids to have the opportunity to know our cousins. I'm not putting all the blame on you, because my mother had something to do with it, but I'm addressing you now. Incidentally, I have no bad memories of you. I have a few good memories, but mostly just that you were there, and that you loved us kids. I remember enjoying being around you guys. I missed that growing up. Your side of the family was a major void in my childhood.
To my brother, who took this harder than I. I'm sorry that you saw what I did. I wish you hadn't. You were impressionable, and you didn't know how to handle your emotions. Things played out very differently for you and I as a result of this event, and our personalities. I wish I could have taken your grief from you, and made the world easier for you. You didn't deserve what you went through. I'm not excusing your actions through our childhood. You have to own them. But, I'm excusing you from taking blame for anything that happened between our parents. That wasn't your fault. Let me repeat that for you. Nothing that happened between our parents was your fault. You were just a kid. A little kid. I regret that we couldn't have been closer as brothers growing up. We were very different, in terms of personality, but we had the same interests, at least as a whole. It was only recently that I learned that you looked up to me. That made my jaw drop, and my heart swell. One thing I knew growing up, despite all of our differences, is that you weren't going to let anyone give me more crap than you gave me. I appreciate that. I hope you realize that I've never hated you, in fact, I've always loved you, and I've always wondered how to make you realize that. You are my brother, and you were the closest person to me through all that we went through, but you were so hard to connect with.
To my sisters, who missed out on everything. This is a double edged sword. You were fortunate to not remember our father, and by extension, you don't remember what happened, not first hand anyway. I take joy in that fact. However, you don't remember having a father, and that's sad. That's unfortunate. You know the story, at least to some extent. But, that doesn't replace having a father. You led different lives, growing up, too. I wish I had paid more attention to them. I have memories of each of you, but I wish I really knew you. Do yourself a favor, and don't dismiss the past, just because it's the past. Be curious, learn what you can handle, and forget the rest. I imagine you've each blazed the trail you're curious about, but be open minded. You are more than you remember.
To my daughter, who has had the misfortune of going through a divorce as well, I apologize. No child should have to see their parents being miserable with each other. I have an idea about what you're going through. My situation was different from yours, but my parents got divorced at about the same age as yours did. It's not your fault. It really never was about you, the problems your mother an I had. Something changed along the way, and we both realized it. We realized it differently, and at different points, but things weren't right for either of us. We both needed something more than what we were able to provide the other. One thing remained constant through everything, we both love you. I want to leave you with a few tokens. First, don't buy into any competition about who loves you more. We're both your parents, and we both want what's best for you. We may not agree on what that is, but your happiness, safety, and well-being is at the top of each of our priorities. You are our child, and nothing can change that. Secondly, and possibly most importantly, Be honest with yourself. Always be honest with yourself. If you can't do this, you can't expect anyone else to give you the same. If you're honest with yourself, it makes it easier to deal with other people's opinion of yourself, and believe me, they will have an opinion. It will allow you to know the truth when you see it, and your judgment won't be clouded. Be the best person you can be, and I pray that you will be successful in your life, and your marriage will be more fortunate than those in your past.
In closing, this was more about me, getting some stuff out than it was to direct at anyone. Some of this stuff hit closer to home than I expected, and that's OK. I need to be in touch with what I think, what I feel, and who I am. I hope you take something from my ramblings, and can apply it to your own situation, whatever that may be.
To my mother, who was there for me, thank you. I appreciate everything you did for me and my siblings as we grew up. You were our provider, our protector, our teacher, our parent. You took on a lot of responsibility, and I fully understand why you did what you did.That said, I have some questions. Why? Why did we become completely disconnected from our only extended family? Why did we have to give up half of our life because our parents were fighting? Why did we have to miss out on so much? Why did I have to grow up without having cousins? Why did I not have any aunts or uncles? Why did it have to be just us? I'm not mad at you, I understand that you were scared. I was scared, too. I saw everything that went down (I think, and if not, I'm happy I didn't). I saw my father beating you up, using unnecessary, excessive force. You didn't deserve that. No matter what the argument was, you didn't deserve that. But, did we deserve to be ripped from our family? I never got an explanation. I pretended that they didn't exist. At least outside my mind. I knew who they were. I remembered my grandparents. I had great memories of them, mostly. I do remember them taking a strange stance that last night we were there. I was a kid, I didn't need details. I still don't. It doesn't matter anymore. But, I grew up with a hole in my life. I adjusted. I learned how to deal with being different, not having what everyone else in school had. No, I'm not talking about a father. I imagine I wasn't the only kid in my class with a "broken" family. I disowned my father. I couldn't forget what he'd done to you. But, I lost my best friends. We moved a lot. We lived with my grandparents for a while, and we developed a bond with our cousins. I missed them. That hurt. It stung. It left a gaping hole in my life, in my heart. I didn't know to ask the questions when I was a kid. I thought that something happened, and they didn't want us anymore. But, I doubt that now. There was something else in play. I had aunts, and an uncle. I knew them. I have vague recollections of them. I know something happened between you and at least one of them. That's between you. That has nothing to do with me. I understand if you didn't trust them to be alone with us because of that. But, there were options. We could have known them. I'm not saying it's all your fault, I don't know. It's not my business to know. You did what you felt was best, and as much as I appreciate what you did for us, what you sacrificed for our sake, how hard you worked to provide for us, I hope you realize that we all made a sacrifice of some amount.
To my father. I can't call you dad. You're not my dad. You are my father, I can't deny you that. But, a dad is someone who is there for their kids. I know, because I strive to be that kind of man. It's not an easy thing to do all the time. It's hard to connect with your kid when they're growing up. Kids have a tendency to pull away from their parents, to become withdrawn and secretive. Kids can be difficult, complicated, and downright frustrating. Thanks for throwing away the opportunity to experience that. You're a jerk. What you did to mom is absolutely despicable. I grew up learning that forgiveness is the best way to be happy, so I am inclined to forgive you for your actions. I can't forget. Yes, I disowned you. I was asked numerous times growing up, "Where's your dad?". I wish I was ashamed to say that I told them that I didn't have one. See, here's the thing. There are ways to deal with frustration. Hitting someone is not acceptable. The only time it's OK to fight, is if you have to. I saw what happened. I'm not the only one who did. I cannot unsee that. Let me say that one more time for you. Just to make this perfectly clear. I cannot unsee what you did to my mother. It is totally unacceptable for a grown man to beat a woman. And, to use weapons? You were in the service. You should know better than that. Imagine you saw your father going after your mother, and you were just out of the service. What would you have done? Somehow, I doubt you would have joined your father, and hurt your mother. I also doubt you would have stood by idly, and let it happen. Why is it OK for you to do to my mother what you did. At that very moment, you lost the right to be my dad. I've heard that you're sick. You have some mental disorder somewhere along the line that caused you to lash out. I don't care. I know that sounds harsh, but it's not an excuse for what you did. I'm not mad anymore, but I'm not coming crawling back, hoping that you'll be in my life. I gave you that second chance. You didn't deserve it, but I'm a forgiving man, and I have a hard time holding a grudge. You had the opportunity to be a grandfather. Guess what? You were selfish, and you couldn't be honest with me, and you blew that, too. I don't feel sorry for you. It was this very concept that got me thinking enough to write this letter. A person can only trust another to the proportion that they feel that they can be trusted by that other person. By this, I mean that if I'm 100% trustworthy to you, by an unbiased observer, and you feel that you're only 50% trustworthy to me, you're going to assume that I'm only 50% trustworthy. Here's the thing. I never did a single thing to you to deserve anything less than a clean slate in terms or trustworthiness. You owed me full trust. However, you didn't seem to feel that you could be honest with me. I wonder why that is. Probably because you knew that I couldn't trust you fully. Well, that's in the past, and you have to live with those consequences.
To grandma, my mother's mom, I thank you for having been there for us. You've since passed, and I regret missing so many years with you. I hated not being able to see you, not having you see my daughter growing up, and not sharing adult moments with you. You were witty, and kind, and it was hard for me to see this growing up because you were the second parent. Our relationship was all wrong. It shouldn't have been like it was. That's not to say it was bad, it wasn't. I loved you, and I respected you. You wouldn't have allowed it any other way. But, you weren't allowed to be my grandma. You had to be our other parent, when mom wasn't there, and you couldn't just turn that off. It wasn't fair to anyone. Not to me, not to my siblings, not to you, not to mom. You were a fountain of knowledge, and my sister had the opportunity to bond with you like none of the rest of us did. She didn't appreciate it at the time, and we were grateful it was her, not us. But, in hindsight, she got an opportunity that we didn't. I have memories of you from before you had to be our parent. One in particular that always makes me smile. I must have been about 5 years old, and I came to visit you. You brought me to the store, not a toy store, just a department store, and told me to pick out any toy I wanted. Anything at all, and it was mine. Just like a grandmother would their grandson. I was your first grandchild, and you were willing to spoil me. I still remember finding a wind up motorcyclist, and being so happy to bring it home with me. Those are the kinds of moments I missed out on because you had to be our parent. It wasn't about the stuff. It never was with you. You weren't materialistic, you were simply practical and thankful. And, I am eternally grateful for the sacrifice you made for the betterment of your grandchildren.
To my other grandparents, my father's parents, I don't really know what to say to you. I missed you growing up. I had fond memories of your house. Taking a community bath in your tub, waking up early on Saturday mornings and watching Winnie the Pooh or the Mickey Mouse Club on your black and white console TV, grandpa growing sunflowers in the back yard, going out as a family, picking a Christmas tree, cutting it down, and bringing it home, going to the diner with grandpa for breakfast, hearing that train come blasting by the house at all hours. I grew up without my grandparents. I know that you didn't hold anything against us kids, but I don't remember you having a presence after we left. I wish I knew more, but I don't. I was a kid, and I'm not anymore, so the details don't matter. I always loved you, I just wish it didn't seem so obvious that you sided with my father, rather than us kids. I don't know who's fault it was, and I'm not here to point fingers. I'm inclined to believe that things could have played out differently. I think there must have been some way for us to know you growing up, without my parents having to come into contact with each other. We were great kids, most of the time. We weren't without flaws, but we were worth the trouble of working it out with people we don't agree with. Anyway, as I've told my parents, it's in the past, and I hold no grudges.
To my aunts, my father's sisters, I wish that things could have been different. Things got strained between you and my mother, at least to some extent. I don't expect any of you to have remained close with her, she was married to your brother, and that was the extent of the relationship as far as I'm concerned. Anything beyond that, I don't know, I don't care. It has nothing to do with me. However, you had children at the time of the divorce, or have had children since then. I've touched on how I missed my cousins. I knew two of them. I remembered them fondly. I've got four more since that time. I would have loved to known them growing up. I don't think it was too much to ask for us kids to have the opportunity to know our cousins. I'm not putting all the blame on you, because my mother had something to do with it, but I'm addressing you now. Incidentally, I have no bad memories of you. I have a few good memories, but mostly just that you were there, and that you loved us kids. I remember enjoying being around you guys. I missed that growing up. Your side of the family was a major void in my childhood.
To my brother, who took this harder than I. I'm sorry that you saw what I did. I wish you hadn't. You were impressionable, and you didn't know how to handle your emotions. Things played out very differently for you and I as a result of this event, and our personalities. I wish I could have taken your grief from you, and made the world easier for you. You didn't deserve what you went through. I'm not excusing your actions through our childhood. You have to own them. But, I'm excusing you from taking blame for anything that happened between our parents. That wasn't your fault. Let me repeat that for you. Nothing that happened between our parents was your fault. You were just a kid. A little kid. I regret that we couldn't have been closer as brothers growing up. We were very different, in terms of personality, but we had the same interests, at least as a whole. It was only recently that I learned that you looked up to me. That made my jaw drop, and my heart swell. One thing I knew growing up, despite all of our differences, is that you weren't going to let anyone give me more crap than you gave me. I appreciate that. I hope you realize that I've never hated you, in fact, I've always loved you, and I've always wondered how to make you realize that. You are my brother, and you were the closest person to me through all that we went through, but you were so hard to connect with.
To my sisters, who missed out on everything. This is a double edged sword. You were fortunate to not remember our father, and by extension, you don't remember what happened, not first hand anyway. I take joy in that fact. However, you don't remember having a father, and that's sad. That's unfortunate. You know the story, at least to some extent. But, that doesn't replace having a father. You led different lives, growing up, too. I wish I had paid more attention to them. I have memories of each of you, but I wish I really knew you. Do yourself a favor, and don't dismiss the past, just because it's the past. Be curious, learn what you can handle, and forget the rest. I imagine you've each blazed the trail you're curious about, but be open minded. You are more than you remember.
To my daughter, who has had the misfortune of going through a divorce as well, I apologize. No child should have to see their parents being miserable with each other. I have an idea about what you're going through. My situation was different from yours, but my parents got divorced at about the same age as yours did. It's not your fault. It really never was about you, the problems your mother an I had. Something changed along the way, and we both realized it. We realized it differently, and at different points, but things weren't right for either of us. We both needed something more than what we were able to provide the other. One thing remained constant through everything, we both love you. I want to leave you with a few tokens. First, don't buy into any competition about who loves you more. We're both your parents, and we both want what's best for you. We may not agree on what that is, but your happiness, safety, and well-being is at the top of each of our priorities. You are our child, and nothing can change that. Secondly, and possibly most importantly, Be honest with yourself. Always be honest with yourself. If you can't do this, you can't expect anyone else to give you the same. If you're honest with yourself, it makes it easier to deal with other people's opinion of yourself, and believe me, they will have an opinion. It will allow you to know the truth when you see it, and your judgment won't be clouded. Be the best person you can be, and I pray that you will be successful in your life, and your marriage will be more fortunate than those in your past.
In closing, this was more about me, getting some stuff out than it was to direct at anyone. Some of this stuff hit closer to home than I expected, and that's OK. I need to be in touch with what I think, what I feel, and who I am. I hope you take something from my ramblings, and can apply it to your own situation, whatever that may be.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Learning how to Learn
Life is funny. First, you're born, and you know everything you need to know. Hungry? Cry, and someone will lead you to food. Want attention? Cry, and someone will fool with you. Diaper dirty? Cry, and someone will change it for you. Sick of putting up with stuff? Go to sleep. Then, you grow out of that phase. You turn into more of a person. When you start doing this, the big people want you to recognize words. They want you to mimic them, and learn how to say what you want. Crying isn't going to keep cutting it. And, they expect you to learn how to move yourself. There's a lot going on, and you've got to figure it out. By the time you can form coherent sentences (or maybe not), and you can walk upright, you find out there's more to this world, and they ship you off to school. Kindergarten, you learn how to deal with other kids, your colors, shapes, letters, and numbers. No big deal, looking back on it, but when you're new to it, it's a HUGE deal. Then comes first grade. Now they want you to learn how to put the letters together and read. You get the point, second, third, fourth, into middle school, and high school. Now, you're done learning, right? No. Now, they expect you to go to college so you can get a decent job and support yourself. No big deal, what's four more years of school? You know the basics. You can survive for a while on your own. This is just a dry run of living your life. You're a smaller fish in a bigger pond. Then, you finish college, and you're released out into the real world.
The real world. With real people. Who aren't trying to teach you, they're trying to win. They want you to know what you need to know already. Nobody has time to slow down and teach anymore. You've just spent the last 22 years preparing for the next 45. Now that you're an adult, you need to learn about responsibility - going to work, performing the tasks at hand, managing your money, keeping a home, maintaining a car, keeping your - and keeping your sanity takes on a whole new meaning. Somewhere in all of this mess, you're learning to grow as a person, too. What's paramount here is that you grow into your own person. Be who you are. This doesn't mean to be the same person you've always been. People change. People morph into their best self. Who you are at 10 isn't who you are at 13. Who you are at 13 isn't who you are at 18. Who you are at 18 isn't who you are at 21, or 25, or 30, or, well you get the picture.
So many facets to life, and you better hope you've learned enough in your time growing up to know how to keep it all in order. Take your job. It's easy to do good enough. You grew up doing good enough to keep your mom off your back. Now, you need to excel, or there are cheaper options for good enough. You may have to put in the hours you don't want to, just to get ahead a little. You might have to work with difficult people who present obstacles every time you deal with them. Get used to it. This is the real world.
What happens when you get your paycheck? Now, you need to learn how to manage it. You're going to have bills. You didn't realize that your parents had all these bills. You've got rent, house insurance, a car payment, car insurance, health insurance, a phone bill, utilities, maybe a few other expenses. Then, you realize that you still need to stock the fridge. It's hard out there. How to manage your money is a tricky situation. It's a necessary evil. Learn it, and you can be comfortable. Neglect to learn it, and you'll be fighting uphill for a long, long time.
Then, there's the big one. To me, it's the hardest lesson to learn of them all. You can't actually learn this without jumping into it. You can read all the advice columns you can find. You can talk to people who have done it. You can observe people. None of it is going to prepare you for it. Love. A simple four letter word. If you're lucky, you'll find the right person with relative ease. If not, you'll have some fun trying to find the one. The key is to always learn. Learn from your mistakes. Learn from what works. Just keep in mind what's your doing, and what's what they like. The problem with love, and relationships, is that it's not one size fits all. I think a lot of people fall into that trap. What works with one partner doesn't necessarily work with another. Heck, what you enjoy with one partner, you may not with another. Relationships are all about compatibility. You have to find the person who you can be most fluid with. Learn where you can adjust easily, and willingly, maybe even seamlessly. and pay attention to that. Find your deal breakers, and stick to them. Don't fight through them. Remember, you are who you are.
You are who you are. Except you're not. Yet. You are a work in progress. Until the day you die, you should be learning who you are, what makes you tick. It's great to have someone to discover that with you, just make sure they're along for the ride, not driving. There is nothing worse in this world than someone who tries to change you. If you get in a relationship with someone who thinks you need to change the essence of who you are, get out. If you're not good enough for them, then they're not good enough for you. The hardest part about relationships, and learning during a relationship is that you when you make a mistake, you inevitably hurt someone. It doesn't have to be the end of the road. Learn from it, improve yourself on it. But, hold true to who you are, or who you're growing into. Don't change what your values are. No matter the obstacle, you know whether you're willing to compromise on it, or if it's a potential area of growth. Learn how to say, "I'm sorry". Learn how to be selfish when you need to be. Learn how to compromise. These things will save your relationship, make your life a happy one, and it will make you a better person.
The real world. With real people. Who aren't trying to teach you, they're trying to win. They want you to know what you need to know already. Nobody has time to slow down and teach anymore. You've just spent the last 22 years preparing for the next 45. Now that you're an adult, you need to learn about responsibility - going to work, performing the tasks at hand, managing your money, keeping a home, maintaining a car, keeping your - and keeping your sanity takes on a whole new meaning. Somewhere in all of this mess, you're learning to grow as a person, too. What's paramount here is that you grow into your own person. Be who you are. This doesn't mean to be the same person you've always been. People change. People morph into their best self. Who you are at 10 isn't who you are at 13. Who you are at 13 isn't who you are at 18. Who you are at 18 isn't who you are at 21, or 25, or 30, or, well you get the picture.
So many facets to life, and you better hope you've learned enough in your time growing up to know how to keep it all in order. Take your job. It's easy to do good enough. You grew up doing good enough to keep your mom off your back. Now, you need to excel, or there are cheaper options for good enough. You may have to put in the hours you don't want to, just to get ahead a little. You might have to work with difficult people who present obstacles every time you deal with them. Get used to it. This is the real world.
What happens when you get your paycheck? Now, you need to learn how to manage it. You're going to have bills. You didn't realize that your parents had all these bills. You've got rent, house insurance, a car payment, car insurance, health insurance, a phone bill, utilities, maybe a few other expenses. Then, you realize that you still need to stock the fridge. It's hard out there. How to manage your money is a tricky situation. It's a necessary evil. Learn it, and you can be comfortable. Neglect to learn it, and you'll be fighting uphill for a long, long time.
Then, there's the big one. To me, it's the hardest lesson to learn of them all. You can't actually learn this without jumping into it. You can read all the advice columns you can find. You can talk to people who have done it. You can observe people. None of it is going to prepare you for it. Love. A simple four letter word. If you're lucky, you'll find the right person with relative ease. If not, you'll have some fun trying to find the one. The key is to always learn. Learn from your mistakes. Learn from what works. Just keep in mind what's your doing, and what's what they like. The problem with love, and relationships, is that it's not one size fits all. I think a lot of people fall into that trap. What works with one partner doesn't necessarily work with another. Heck, what you enjoy with one partner, you may not with another. Relationships are all about compatibility. You have to find the person who you can be most fluid with. Learn where you can adjust easily, and willingly, maybe even seamlessly. and pay attention to that. Find your deal breakers, and stick to them. Don't fight through them. Remember, you are who you are.
You are who you are. Except you're not. Yet. You are a work in progress. Until the day you die, you should be learning who you are, what makes you tick. It's great to have someone to discover that with you, just make sure they're along for the ride, not driving. There is nothing worse in this world than someone who tries to change you. If you get in a relationship with someone who thinks you need to change the essence of who you are, get out. If you're not good enough for them, then they're not good enough for you. The hardest part about relationships, and learning during a relationship is that you when you make a mistake, you inevitably hurt someone. It doesn't have to be the end of the road. Learn from it, improve yourself on it. But, hold true to who you are, or who you're growing into. Don't change what your values are. No matter the obstacle, you know whether you're willing to compromise on it, or if it's a potential area of growth. Learn how to say, "I'm sorry". Learn how to be selfish when you need to be. Learn how to compromise. These things will save your relationship, make your life a happy one, and it will make you a better person.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
What if everyone is right?
It's the age old question, if you're right, must I be wrong? What if I'm right? Are you wrong? It's always assumed that it works this way. After all, someone has to be right, and if they are, the counterpoint must be wrong. Right? Wrong. Those who know me, know that I don't see the world in black and white. I plan on tackling some touchy subjects, and making a case for an up the middle solution. Some people call it being wishy washy. Some people claim I can't get off the fence. Some people find it cowardly. Tell me, can you make a strong argument against your case? If you believe in something to the point where it's ingrained in your identity, can you state the case for the other side of the coin? It's not cowardice to understand the other half of the world, it's called being open minded, and understanding. I pride myself in such practices. But, enough about me, let's dive in.
I've had a number of conversations regarding the concept of creation and the concept of evolution. Let me make one thing clear, I have a very strong belief in this matter, and I'm opposed to give up my stance. That doesn't matter. There are enough good questions to be asked to convince me that a middle ground is feasible. Creationist (Christians) believe that a single entity, God, spoke and created the earth, its land masses, its bodies of water, and its inhabitants. They believe that it was created in 6 days, and that was that. God created everything, end of story, and took a nap on day 7. Evolutionists (and aethiests, agnostics, and followers of other faiths or practices) believe that millions of years ago, atoms collided and sent matter scattering throughout the universe. They believe that some of this matter collected together, and formed the earth. Some of this matter developed into a life form, and life began to evolve. I can reason with myself and convince myself that either possibility is legitimate.
Let's start with creation. According to the Bible, in the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth. Vague? Sure. When was the beginning? (10,000 years ago?) What is the Heavens? How many are there? Does it mean just the sky? Does it mean the place we assume that God "lives", where our loved ones go when they are through with this planet? What is the Earth? More specifically, does it mean just the Earth? Or could it mean the entire solar system/universe? If it means the universe, where was God in the beginning? Where was he a year prior? A month? An hour? A minute? A second? How does one define the beginning? Are we simply talking about the beginning of the Earth, or the beginning of time? It's a fine line, and I, for one, have never heard it explained. That's the ting about religion, in order to understand it, you need faith. What is faith? It is, by definition, believing in things you can't see, and quite possibly can't understand. In fact, many things you're not supposed to understand. Before you think that I'm tearing apart religion, and the Biblical creation story, let me state that it makes sense. God not only created the Heavens and the Earth (we'll lump this together for the rest of this post, and refer to it at the universe, as I believe it to mean), he created each and every single natural item on it. Trees, flowers, weeds, water, dogs, cats, mice, snakes, people, and even the dinosaurs. He created each being to appear just right, and, as stated, he created man (humans, possibly specifically man, resulting in us referring to God as he, not she?) in his own image. If you believe this, it can be very difficult to buy into the thought that maybe the world has been changing for centuries, or that it's possibly much older than you were taught.
Now, we'll visit the other side. According to the theory of evolution, at some point in ancient history, millions, perhaps billions of years ago, atoms collided, and sent a sonic wave across the vacuum of space. These particles drifted, and some of them collided, forming the Earth. the rock began small, and after a series of explosions, heat ups, and cool downs. This resulted in drastic climate changes, and a growing rock. This rock was capable, eventually, of sparking life into a single cell. Wait. What? So, with this explanation, I'm expected to believe that, from nothing, something was created, without the aide of any outside influence? What exploded and made the particles drift? Is it reasonable that these particles collided by chance, and in exactly the right place, that they were able to create not only a planet that could support life, but over its combustible years, create life capable of adapting, and thinking for itself? How do scientists know when this happened? What was around just before this explosion? If there was nothing before, where did the explosion come from? I'll be honest, the thought that life has changed so drastically over many, many years makes some level of sense. The fact that life on our planet has adapted to every new phase in the history is believable, and may actually connect a lot of the dots that the Bible and its theologians neglect. Science has a way of connecting the dots. Science doesn't like unanswered questions. Science doesn't operate on belief, it operates on evidence. But, what if?
What if the truth lies in between, or is a combination of the two trains of thought? I'm programmed to accept the idea of creation, and I do. I believe it 100%, and I'm not ashamed to admit so. But, the questions are legitimate. According to the timelines that I can recall, God created the earth somewhere between 8,000 and 10,000 years ago. What happened one day before creation? Have you ever considered eternity? It's easy, to a point, to consider the fact that you will exist for ever (unless you believe that you will simply cease to exist when your body dies). In fact, I think that's built into our beings. We can't imagine the end of time, and until we reach a certain point in our life, we have trouble imagining the end of our time. But, do yourself a favor, and look at the other end of the spectrum. We are taught that God is infinite, this means that he has no beginning, and no end. No beginning. Wait, I thought that, "In the beginning..." Something needs explanation, and the math doesn't add up. This is where my thought begins. What if "In the beginning" simply means the beginning of this Earth, this time? Or possibly, this earth last time? Or even the beginning of our solar system? We know that there are black holes, and there are enough stars in the sky to host millions of solar systems. What if we're not the only ones out there? I'm not going to explore the possibility of multiple Gods, that's a topic for another time, should I be able to wrap my head around it. Let's assume that there is just one creator, one God. He created our Earth, our Sun, and our Solar System. But, for the sake of neutrality, what if this wasn't his first creation? What if "In the beginning" does just mean for our Solar System? I've got another theory that perhaps God is not just the Father and the Son, but also our Sun. But, that's another blog, as well. Maybe our spot in the Universe is millions, or billions of years old. I believe the Bible to be true, to be fact. I know people who find it too fantastical to be true. I can understand that. These people tend not to believe that the Bible is a history book, but a story book, created to portray fables, like Aesop made popular, stories to teach humanity lessons. There's some sense in that line of thought. But, what if the opposite was true, but not exactly how we think of it. What if this is not a history of this Earth? Assume that our spot in our Solar System, in our Universe is a billion years old (just to pick a number). Assume the Bible is accurate, and our Earth is 10,000 years old (again, to pick a round number). Where are the other 999,990,000 years? What if there have been 10 versions of this Earth? 20? 50? 100? It's not ridiculous. God, as explained, has been around forever. It's written that God created man in his own image. There's a running joke that suggests that God does, in fact, have a sense of humor. Let's look at everything as fact. So, God is older than time, our spot is a billion years old, therefore God has been around for more than a billion years. Also, he has a sense of humor. I've yet to meet someone who has a sense of humor who doesn't get bored. What if he created the Earth, much unlike the one we know, but did it nearly a billion years ago? He created a number of different versions over the millenia. He created them with a plan, as the Bible states, but the plan had a finite timeline - again, the Bible preaches the end of times. This would open the possibility that the Bible as we read it is a history of a past Earth. The other Earths could have been the versions of fire, water, and ice that the evolution theory suggests. Perhaps, they were all critical to the development of this version of Earth. Perhaps, God saved the good pieces from the last iterations, and gave them to the new ones. Maybe, that's his plan with our Earth.
I'd love to hear your feedback. What side of the fence do you live on? How "out there" is my proposition? Are you able to buy into any of it? :Eave a comment, but do it in a civil manner. This is intended strictly to open minds, and open a discussion of what might be true. This is precisely the kind of conversation which may save the world's political landscape. It's entirely possible that the truth always lives in the middle ground. Nothing ever has a simple answer, nor is it ever black and white.
I've had a number of conversations regarding the concept of creation and the concept of evolution. Let me make one thing clear, I have a very strong belief in this matter, and I'm opposed to give up my stance. That doesn't matter. There are enough good questions to be asked to convince me that a middle ground is feasible. Creationist (Christians) believe that a single entity, God, spoke and created the earth, its land masses, its bodies of water, and its inhabitants. They believe that it was created in 6 days, and that was that. God created everything, end of story, and took a nap on day 7. Evolutionists (and aethiests, agnostics, and followers of other faiths or practices) believe that millions of years ago, atoms collided and sent matter scattering throughout the universe. They believe that some of this matter collected together, and formed the earth. Some of this matter developed into a life form, and life began to evolve. I can reason with myself and convince myself that either possibility is legitimate.
Let's start with creation. According to the Bible, in the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth. Vague? Sure. When was the beginning? (10,000 years ago?) What is the Heavens? How many are there? Does it mean just the sky? Does it mean the place we assume that God "lives", where our loved ones go when they are through with this planet? What is the Earth? More specifically, does it mean just the Earth? Or could it mean the entire solar system/universe? If it means the universe, where was God in the beginning? Where was he a year prior? A month? An hour? A minute? A second? How does one define the beginning? Are we simply talking about the beginning of the Earth, or the beginning of time? It's a fine line, and I, for one, have never heard it explained. That's the ting about religion, in order to understand it, you need faith. What is faith? It is, by definition, believing in things you can't see, and quite possibly can't understand. In fact, many things you're not supposed to understand. Before you think that I'm tearing apart religion, and the Biblical creation story, let me state that it makes sense. God not only created the Heavens and the Earth (we'll lump this together for the rest of this post, and refer to it at the universe, as I believe it to mean), he created each and every single natural item on it. Trees, flowers, weeds, water, dogs, cats, mice, snakes, people, and even the dinosaurs. He created each being to appear just right, and, as stated, he created man (humans, possibly specifically man, resulting in us referring to God as he, not she?) in his own image. If you believe this, it can be very difficult to buy into the thought that maybe the world has been changing for centuries, or that it's possibly much older than you were taught.
Now, we'll visit the other side. According to the theory of evolution, at some point in ancient history, millions, perhaps billions of years ago, atoms collided, and sent a sonic wave across the vacuum of space. These particles drifted, and some of them collided, forming the Earth. the rock began small, and after a series of explosions, heat ups, and cool downs. This resulted in drastic climate changes, and a growing rock. This rock was capable, eventually, of sparking life into a single cell. Wait. What? So, with this explanation, I'm expected to believe that, from nothing, something was created, without the aide of any outside influence? What exploded and made the particles drift? Is it reasonable that these particles collided by chance, and in exactly the right place, that they were able to create not only a planet that could support life, but over its combustible years, create life capable of adapting, and thinking for itself? How do scientists know when this happened? What was around just before this explosion? If there was nothing before, where did the explosion come from? I'll be honest, the thought that life has changed so drastically over many, many years makes some level of sense. The fact that life on our planet has adapted to every new phase in the history is believable, and may actually connect a lot of the dots that the Bible and its theologians neglect. Science has a way of connecting the dots. Science doesn't like unanswered questions. Science doesn't operate on belief, it operates on evidence. But, what if?
What if the truth lies in between, or is a combination of the two trains of thought? I'm programmed to accept the idea of creation, and I do. I believe it 100%, and I'm not ashamed to admit so. But, the questions are legitimate. According to the timelines that I can recall, God created the earth somewhere between 8,000 and 10,000 years ago. What happened one day before creation? Have you ever considered eternity? It's easy, to a point, to consider the fact that you will exist for ever (unless you believe that you will simply cease to exist when your body dies). In fact, I think that's built into our beings. We can't imagine the end of time, and until we reach a certain point in our life, we have trouble imagining the end of our time. But, do yourself a favor, and look at the other end of the spectrum. We are taught that God is infinite, this means that he has no beginning, and no end. No beginning. Wait, I thought that, "In the beginning..." Something needs explanation, and the math doesn't add up. This is where my thought begins. What if "In the beginning" simply means the beginning of this Earth, this time? Or possibly, this earth last time? Or even the beginning of our solar system? We know that there are black holes, and there are enough stars in the sky to host millions of solar systems. What if we're not the only ones out there? I'm not going to explore the possibility of multiple Gods, that's a topic for another time, should I be able to wrap my head around it. Let's assume that there is just one creator, one God. He created our Earth, our Sun, and our Solar System. But, for the sake of neutrality, what if this wasn't his first creation? What if "In the beginning" does just mean for our Solar System? I've got another theory that perhaps God is not just the Father and the Son, but also our Sun. But, that's another blog, as well. Maybe our spot in the Universe is millions, or billions of years old. I believe the Bible to be true, to be fact. I know people who find it too fantastical to be true. I can understand that. These people tend not to believe that the Bible is a history book, but a story book, created to portray fables, like Aesop made popular, stories to teach humanity lessons. There's some sense in that line of thought. But, what if the opposite was true, but not exactly how we think of it. What if this is not a history of this Earth? Assume that our spot in our Solar System, in our Universe is a billion years old (just to pick a number). Assume the Bible is accurate, and our Earth is 10,000 years old (again, to pick a round number). Where are the other 999,990,000 years? What if there have been 10 versions of this Earth? 20? 50? 100? It's not ridiculous. God, as explained, has been around forever. It's written that God created man in his own image. There's a running joke that suggests that God does, in fact, have a sense of humor. Let's look at everything as fact. So, God is older than time, our spot is a billion years old, therefore God has been around for more than a billion years. Also, he has a sense of humor. I've yet to meet someone who has a sense of humor who doesn't get bored. What if he created the Earth, much unlike the one we know, but did it nearly a billion years ago? He created a number of different versions over the millenia. He created them with a plan, as the Bible states, but the plan had a finite timeline - again, the Bible preaches the end of times. This would open the possibility that the Bible as we read it is a history of a past Earth. The other Earths could have been the versions of fire, water, and ice that the evolution theory suggests. Perhaps, they were all critical to the development of this version of Earth. Perhaps, God saved the good pieces from the last iterations, and gave them to the new ones. Maybe, that's his plan with our Earth.
I'd love to hear your feedback. What side of the fence do you live on? How "out there" is my proposition? Are you able to buy into any of it? :Eave a comment, but do it in a civil manner. This is intended strictly to open minds, and open a discussion of what might be true. This is precisely the kind of conversation which may save the world's political landscape. It's entirely possible that the truth always lives in the middle ground. Nothing ever has a simple answer, nor is it ever black and white.
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