This is an open letter to the adults in the first divorce I experienced in my life. I was under the impression that living through this divorce would help me in one way once I became an adult, but it influenced my life in ways I never imagined. What did I know? I was ten.
To my mother, who was there for me, thank you. I appreciate everything you did for me and my siblings as we grew up. You were our provider, our protector, our teacher, our parent. You took on a lot of responsibility, and I fully understand why you did what you did.That said, I have some questions. Why? Why did we become completely disconnected from our only extended family? Why did we have to give up half of our life because our parents were fighting? Why did we have to miss out on so much? Why did I have to grow up without having cousins? Why did I not have any aunts or uncles? Why did it have to be just us? I'm not mad at you, I understand that you were scared. I was scared, too. I saw everything that went down (I think, and if not, I'm happy I didn't). I saw my father beating you up, using unnecessary, excessive force. You didn't deserve that. No matter what the argument was, you didn't deserve that. But, did we deserve to be ripped from our family? I never got an explanation. I pretended that they didn't exist. At least outside my mind. I knew who they were. I remembered my grandparents. I had great memories of them, mostly. I do remember them taking a strange stance that last night we were there. I was a kid, I didn't need details. I still don't. It doesn't matter anymore. But, I grew up with a hole in my life. I adjusted. I learned how to deal with being different, not having what everyone else in school had. No, I'm not talking about a father. I imagine I wasn't the only kid in my class with a "broken" family. I disowned my father. I couldn't forget what he'd done to you. But, I lost my best friends. We moved a lot. We lived with my grandparents for a while, and we developed a bond with our cousins. I missed them. That hurt. It stung. It left a gaping hole in my life, in my heart. I didn't know to ask the questions when I was a kid. I thought that something happened, and they didn't want us anymore. But, I doubt that now. There was something else in play. I had aunts, and an uncle. I knew them. I have vague recollections of them. I know something happened between you and at least one of them. That's between you. That has nothing to do with me. I understand if you didn't trust them to be alone with us because of that. But, there were options. We could have known them. I'm not saying it's all your fault, I don't know. It's not my business to know. You did what you felt was best, and as much as I appreciate what you did for us, what you sacrificed for our sake, how hard you worked to provide for us, I hope you realize that we all made a sacrifice of some amount.
To my father. I can't call you dad. You're not my dad. You are my father, I can't deny you that. But, a dad is someone who is there for their kids. I know, because I strive to be that kind of man. It's not an easy thing to do all the time. It's hard to connect with your kid when they're growing up. Kids have a tendency to pull away from their parents, to become withdrawn and secretive. Kids can be difficult, complicated, and downright frustrating. Thanks for throwing away the opportunity to experience that. You're a jerk. What you did to mom is absolutely despicable. I grew up learning that forgiveness is the best way to be happy, so I am inclined to forgive you for your actions. I can't forget. Yes, I disowned you. I was asked numerous times growing up, "Where's your dad?". I wish I was ashamed to say that I told them that I didn't have one. See, here's the thing. There are ways to deal with frustration. Hitting someone is not acceptable. The only time it's OK to fight, is if you have to. I saw what happened. I'm not the only one who did. I cannot unsee that. Let me say that one more time for you. Just to make this perfectly clear. I cannot unsee what you did to my mother. It is totally unacceptable for a grown man to beat a woman. And, to use weapons? You were in the service. You should know better than that. Imagine you saw your father going after your mother, and you were just out of the service. What would you have done? Somehow, I doubt you would have joined your father, and hurt your mother. I also doubt you would have stood by idly, and let it happen. Why is it OK for you to do to my mother what you did. At that very moment, you lost the right to be my dad. I've heard that you're sick. You have some mental disorder somewhere along the line that caused you to lash out. I don't care. I know that sounds harsh, but it's not an excuse for what you did. I'm not mad anymore, but I'm not coming crawling back, hoping that you'll be in my life. I gave you that second chance. You didn't deserve it, but I'm a forgiving man, and I have a hard time holding a grudge. You had the opportunity to be a grandfather. Guess what? You were selfish, and you couldn't be honest with me, and you blew that, too. I don't feel sorry for you. It was this very concept that got me thinking enough to write this letter. A person can only trust another to the proportion that they feel that they can be trusted by that other person. By this, I mean that if I'm 100% trustworthy to you, by an unbiased observer, and you feel that you're only 50% trustworthy to me, you're going to assume that I'm only 50% trustworthy. Here's the thing. I never did a single thing to you to deserve anything less than a clean slate in terms or trustworthiness. You owed me full trust. However, you didn't seem to feel that you could be honest with me. I wonder why that is. Probably because you knew that I couldn't trust you fully. Well, that's in the past, and you have to live with those consequences.
To grandma, my mother's mom, I thank you for having been there for us. You've since passed, and I regret missing so many years with you. I hated not being able to see you, not having you see my daughter growing up, and not sharing adult moments with you. You were witty, and kind, and it was hard for me to see this growing up because you were the second parent. Our relationship was all wrong. It shouldn't have been like it was. That's not to say it was bad, it wasn't. I loved you, and I respected you. You wouldn't have allowed it any other way. But, you weren't allowed to be my grandma. You had to be our other parent, when mom wasn't there, and you couldn't just turn that off. It wasn't fair to anyone. Not to me, not to my siblings, not to you, not to mom. You were a fountain of knowledge, and my sister had the opportunity to bond with you like none of the rest of us did. She didn't appreciate it at the time, and we were grateful it was her, not us. But, in hindsight, she got an opportunity that we didn't. I have memories of you from before you had to be our parent. One in particular that always makes me smile. I must have been about 5 years old, and I came to visit you. You brought me to the store, not a toy store, just a department store, and told me to pick out any toy I wanted. Anything at all, and it was mine. Just like a grandmother would their grandson. I was your first grandchild, and you were willing to spoil me. I still remember finding a wind up motorcyclist, and being so happy to bring it home with me. Those are the kinds of moments I missed out on because you had to be our parent. It wasn't about the stuff. It never was with you. You weren't materialistic, you were simply practical and thankful. And, I am eternally grateful for the sacrifice you made for the betterment of your grandchildren.
To my other grandparents, my father's parents, I don't really know what to say to you. I missed you growing up. I had fond memories of your house. Taking a community bath in your tub, waking up early on Saturday mornings and watching Winnie the Pooh or the Mickey Mouse Club on your black and white console TV, grandpa growing sunflowers in the back yard, going out as a family, picking a Christmas tree, cutting it down, and bringing it home, going to the diner with grandpa for breakfast, hearing that train come blasting by the house at all hours. I grew up without my grandparents. I know that you didn't hold anything against us kids, but I don't remember you having a presence after we left. I wish I knew more, but I don't. I was a kid, and I'm not anymore, so the details don't matter. I always loved you, I just wish it didn't seem so obvious that you sided with my father, rather than us kids. I don't know who's fault it was, and I'm not here to point fingers. I'm inclined to believe that things could have played out differently. I think there must have been some way for us to know you growing up, without my parents having to come into contact with each other. We were great kids, most of the time. We weren't without flaws, but we were worth the trouble of working it out with people we don't agree with. Anyway, as I've told my parents, it's in the past, and I hold no grudges.
To my aunts, my father's sisters, I wish that things could have been different. Things got strained between you and my mother, at least to some extent. I don't expect any of you to have remained close with her, she was married to your brother, and that was the extent of the relationship as far as I'm concerned. Anything beyond that, I don't know, I don't care. It has nothing to do with me. However, you had children at the time of the divorce, or have had children since then. I've touched on how I missed my cousins. I knew two of them. I remembered them fondly. I've got four more since that time. I would have loved to known them growing up. I don't think it was too much to ask for us kids to have the opportunity to know our cousins. I'm not putting all the blame on you, because my mother had something to do with it, but I'm addressing you now. Incidentally, I have no bad memories of you. I have a few good memories, but mostly just that you were there, and that you loved us kids. I remember enjoying being around you guys. I missed that growing up. Your side of the family was a major void in my childhood.
To my brother, who took this harder than I. I'm sorry that you saw what I did. I wish you hadn't. You were impressionable, and you didn't know how to handle your emotions. Things played out very differently for you and I as a result of this event, and our personalities. I wish I could have taken your grief from you, and made the world easier for you. You didn't deserve what you went through. I'm not excusing your actions through our childhood. You have to own them. But, I'm excusing you from taking blame for anything that happened between our parents. That wasn't your fault. Let me repeat that for you. Nothing that happened between our parents was your fault. You were just a kid. A little kid. I regret that we couldn't have been closer as brothers growing up. We were very different, in terms of personality, but we had the same interests, at least as a whole. It was only recently that I learned that you looked up to me. That made my jaw drop, and my heart swell. One thing I knew growing up, despite all of our differences, is that you weren't going to let anyone give me more crap than you gave me. I appreciate that. I hope you realize that I've never hated you, in fact, I've always loved you, and I've always wondered how to make you realize that. You are my brother, and you were the closest person to me through all that we went through, but you were so hard to connect with.
To my sisters, who missed out on everything. This is a double edged sword. You were fortunate to not remember our father, and by extension, you don't remember what happened, not first hand anyway. I take joy in that fact. However, you don't remember having a father, and that's sad. That's unfortunate. You know the story, at least to some extent. But, that doesn't replace having a father. You led different lives, growing up, too. I wish I had paid more attention to them. I have memories of each of you, but I wish I really knew you. Do yourself a favor, and don't dismiss the past, just because it's the past. Be curious, learn what you can handle, and forget the rest. I imagine you've each blazed the trail you're curious about, but be open minded. You are more than you remember.
To my daughter, who has had the misfortune of going through a divorce as well, I apologize. No child should have to see their parents being miserable with each other. I have an idea about what you're going through. My situation was different from yours, but my parents got divorced at about the same age as yours did. It's not your fault. It really never was about you, the problems your mother an I had. Something changed along the way, and we both realized it. We realized it differently, and at different points, but things weren't right for either of us. We both needed something more than what we were able to provide the other. One thing remained constant through everything, we both love you. I want to leave you with a few tokens. First, don't buy into any competition about who loves you more. We're both your parents, and we both want what's best for you. We may not agree on what that is, but your happiness, safety, and well-being is at the top of each of our priorities. You are our child, and nothing can change that. Secondly, and possibly most importantly, Be honest with yourself. Always be honest with yourself. If you can't do this, you can't expect anyone else to give you the same. If you're honest with yourself, it makes it easier to deal with other people's opinion of yourself, and believe me, they will have an opinion. It will allow you to know the truth when you see it, and your judgment won't be clouded. Be the best person you can be, and I pray that you will be successful in your life, and your marriage will be more fortunate than those in your past.
In closing, this was more about me, getting some stuff out than it was to direct at anyone. Some of this stuff hit closer to home than I expected, and that's OK. I need to be in touch with what I think, what I feel, and who I am. I hope you take something from my ramblings, and can apply it to your own situation, whatever that may be.
